Today isn't a good day again. I just feel that when Mike is home he doesn't want to be. I call and he sounds down depressed and malencaly. I said, Yup your home. and he bites my head off. "Its the attitude you give so that is what you hear" Huh??? I mean, before that I asked him if he had taken anything out so I could fix it tonight, I asked him how he felt. I seemed Ok in my eyes I did get bothered by his just no ... no emotional tone, when I call him and he's at the farm its like Hi Honey ..and upbeat. ...... and when he is at home he is just depressed. I have mentioned it to him before asking do you really want to be here, cause when you are here you only think of the farm and what you need to do. When he is at the farm its like he doesn't stop but at home alls he does is watch tv and mow the grass. I don't know I just feel like he doesn't want to be here. So now. After that comment I was short and said OK I have to go and hung up ... Oh ya I really want to go home now at lunch!! Now I wish I was at the barn or he was!! LOL! Damn. I hate when we are together there is no connection, but when we are apart we seem to get along.... ya we are apart!! I just don't know what to do... I have gained so much weight and a lot of it has to do not eating right, I eat bad when he isn't there just like snack stuff or bad stuff. I am nervous of my weight gain and am depressed about it and really don't want to do anything about it its almost like a security thing... I don't know.... just really writing and not thinking ... I just hate it lately. Now I have to go to Teds wedding tomorrow and really don't want to go.. not knowing anyone and the people that we do know haven't seen us in years and my weight and just the make up of how we and our family are so happy" ya right. I don't even know if that pant suit that I was thinking to wear will even fit. Have never tried it on got it this winter need to go spank shopping for sure!! Need to do my eyebrows nails. money that we really shouldn't spend ... blah blah blah.... Oh well So what to do, call him and tell him I won't be home for lunch need to do stuff like eyebrows and spank shopping or go home and suck it up??? hmmmm what to do//// Will let you know... I am so glad that I am not letting anyone know that I do this, that way I can really put my thoughts on this

Well haven't walked since Thursday. And now I just feel so depressed, sad, unhappy, just staring into space. Craig and Doreen really need to split up... I mean its bad How much can each of them take of verbal abuse.. Yes, Craig has done a lot of the abuse but Doreen isn't any saint and I believe that she really does push him to be upset with her. Craig and Doreen went to the doctors today and Craig walked out. Wish was so wrong. Now they are really bantering on things. She left boxes in the LR saying get your F... stuff out! Now for two months at least he kept saying he wanted her out all the other shit that goes with it. but now that the roles are turned and she wants him out he isn't leaving..... I know for a fact once we get through this time where things are so raw that every one will be happier apart but will Craig hear that ?? No. I just don't know what to do... I know all hells going to break loose and I just wish I knew what to do and say. I HATE THIS............ Mike says don't worry,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, how can you not worry.?? I can' t believe he says that?? How stupid. I feel like he is not there for me... he just has his head in the sand , then when I say Craig called and Doreen tried to call,,,,,,,,,,,, he goes they didn't talk to me?? Well, Why would they?? he never says anything any ways/?? I just feel like driving off a bridge I don't want to go home, I don't want the phone on I wish I could just run away , but what does that prove? It will be here worse when I get back ! Please Lord give me the strength to know and act how to do..........

Bettering myself for real this time!!

Ok Another day down with the walking, last night I did the tread mill for 34 minutes. I do plan to start with the weight machine soon, it just helps the weight come of easier just getting the motivation. I mean this took months of trying to kick myself in the butt to start. I feel so much better when I do exercise, I don't know why I make it a chore, its not like I am busy at all. Heck I was usually going home and sitting on the couch eating dinner doing more sitting then bed early. So what is my excuse but laziness. But no put downs cause now I am on a roll and plan to stay there..... please God let there be a big difference tomorrow on the scale.. I have really watched what I put in my mouth this week also. I have noticed today that my energy level is a bit higher also. Hasn't been like I feel like I am depriving myself. I have had yogurt and strawberries , which I love, blackend fish, I am trying to think what else I had oh ya a mini meat loaf that I put a pepper around and baked. NUMMY! a mixed salad with beets, and walnuts very tasty. I have really pushed my self not to get on the damn scale to wait the week which is tomorrow So I am praying really praying it will be good hoping at least two pounds.

Mike said, that Craig and Bob have the floor pretty much ripped up in the barn so that is a good feeling for them they have wanted to get that done for a good couple years now. So I am happy for them.
The back of the barn and the roofing will be repaired this fall which I am very greatful for. I always worry that the winter will really tear down the damn thing and give more damage. It is really a beautiful area, to go and ride around on the go cart it is just very peaceful, relaxing and serine. I do like it . I just don't like it when I am cooped up in the trailer with nothing to do. Or when its so hot that you can't go out and sit in the trailer with the air conditioner running. I could do it at home and have more room!

I am tired today, just couldn't fall asleep. Not exhausted, like I posted I do feel tired but yet invigerated, if that makes any sence. After midnight I finially took a xanax and said the heck with it.. I really am trying to not use them every night and that has been going well too.! Man I am on a roll with bettering myself!!Thank God.

Oh well, I think I am closing for today. I really like that I am writing my thoughts, not doing this for followers that is why I haven't posted that I have this blog using it as a journal.

Well, I did walk again yesterday around the track so that is good! I did have a donut today though, can't pass up the freebies. But plan on having salad for lunch and fish tonight so that should negate the donut I hope!

I did go to the Angel Care meeting at church last night. I will be on call to listen to the calls for the needs of the new Moms . I just wish we could be more involved. I would like to have monthly showers, meet the babies and moms maybe at the hospital, etc not sure what else. I just feel a need to do something for unwed Moms, I was 16 when I had Craig and I want to give back some how. I have always wanted to and Now is the time.

I feel tired today. I thought I slept well but I guess not. Missy keeps getting me up, she is bored with out Sadie or Mike there during the day I think. I am so close to her she is such a sweety, very loving and affectionate.

I guess that is all for now, but won't be surprised if I get on later and write. Never fails mind goes to sleep when writing then think of things that I could have said.

Forgot to tell you, while walking at Tinker they really have changed a lot, more trails into the woods and I saw a mother doe and her two babies , Very young even with spots still. I hope to see more tonight.

I am going to a meeting at church for Angel care ministries. I want to see how I can help out. Its a program for unwed mothers that we help. I look forward to see what I can do for them.

I was an unwed mother , hard to believe 34 years ago. And yes, I am still with his father. Mike and I have been together 35 years last month. Hard to believe, some times it seems like it was just a few years ago and sometimes it feels like we have been together for ever. Which makes since, I have known him all my adult life. I was 16 when I met him and became pregnant.

Wow this blog is scattered isn't it? Well, that is me Ms. Scatterbrains.. I was just telling Mike the other day. I have so many thoughts all scattered, not even on the same subject. I can go from money, to people, to Fabry, to family in three seconds flat!

Mike is at the barn , he really is getting a lot done there. It does look great all that he has done, wish I could help him more.

Ok I think I am done for now..

Starting again.

Hi Its a slow day today, not much happening at work today. Going to have lunch with Linda. Oh Ya I started walking again Two days in a row, which is good for me lately. I really need to do this for me. I just feel so frumpy and just tired all the time. I am going to do this .... no more stalling I want to feel better! So route me on!